Streams of Fear, Breezes of Rationality

"On top of the mountain, with the emptiness stretching for miles and miles my mind was free of materialistic distractions and company and these feelings, who had been trying to tackle me for days, finally enveloped me"

At the one mark into this journey I have hit an emotional peak point. It happened as I climbed the top of the Red Butte trail yesterday.  Finally, as I sat to catch my breath at the top of the peak, my emotions overwhelmed me and I broke down. Ha! So much for catching my breath! All of a sudden, I was overcome by a rush of feelings: insecurities associated with budding friendships, memories of faded ones, feeling the impossibility of senior year and figuring out the future coupled with the pressure I imagine while I am surrounded by incredible individuals here at the Aspen Institute and the confusing thoughts that cloud my rationale.  On top of the mountain, with the emptiness stretching for miles and miles my mind was free of materialistic distractions and company and these feelings, who had been trying to tackle me for days, finally enveloped me. I felt little and small and smushed by the weight of all the emotional baggage I had been carrying throughout the week and month and I wasn't going to carry it anymore! I threw it away in each tear, struggling to stop the embarrassing, visible display of emotions while at the same time knowing that I needed to push the heaviness out and reabsorb the light, the truth and the clarity that only the cleanse on this mountaintop could provide.

Aspen is wonderful and, as stated in previous posts, pleasurable and inspiring, but as with any setting, what makes it amazing can also make it impossibly challenging.  Surrounded by affluence while at the same time an immense knowledge of the world's problems can be a dichotomy that is extremely difficult to comprehend. In such a beautiful setting, I almost feel guilty for not being more connected to the source of the many problems being discussed. At the same time, I recognize this is such a unique opportunity that I have never experienced before: the chance to fully appreciate, soak up and learn in an environment that is so, very foreign from anything I've ever known before. So where is the line between experiencing, soaking up the glories of Aspen and being driven to make an impact on a few of the many problems discussed up in these beautiful hills? Am I using this experience correctly? Am I learning enough, pushing enough, experiencing enough while also maturing enough to tackle all that I'm learning, pushing and experiencing? How will I know? Will I know? Am I doing this right!?

Now, I see that thought process escalated quickly, I'm sure some of the doubt seems ridiculous, and though I know that, in the moment of worry, it feels real to me, like an undeniable truth.  And when that reality clashes with the creeping insecurities, the waterworks commence.  Luckily, there is something of the cleansing power of crying, especially on the top of a mountain, that finally allows me to see just a little bit more clearly.  That, coupled with the wise, reassuring words of my ever-compassionate mother. The breezes that billowed by as I sat atop Red Butte watering the dry stone with my tears, blew some comforting rationale back into my mind. I am 21 years old and I have a whole lifetime to figure these questions out. I am not supposed to have it all figured out yet, that would be extremely boring and pointless.  This experience is just one of the many, diverse opportunities to put in the thought provoking line of puzzle-piece memories that will make a beautiful picture when all is said and done. For now, I must experience, learn and grow and follow the clues that will lead me to solving this beautiful truth someday, but not today or tomorrow, and probably not the next day.  What I must do is continue experiencing, thinking, debating, processing and driving myself through my time in Aspen to the next opportunity that lies on the horizon.

It was with that, much more rationalized truth that I was finally able to calm the flow of tears, understand my insecurities and honor them, empower myself with new-found resolve and direction and head back down the mountain.  My burden was lighter, the walk much easier and the beauty ever-clearer to my newly cleansed eyes and mind. Today, though still haunted by various fears in my exhausted state, I feel the truth, burning inside and moving me along to the next experience with gratitude and grace.